GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
