I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
