I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
