is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
