I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
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so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
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I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize