You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
