On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
