What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
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