i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
