he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
