dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
