plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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