if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
