I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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