if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
