hotel room ftw
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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