Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
