He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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