New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
