decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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