You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
