bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
