I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
