Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
