I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
