Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
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I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
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Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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