Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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