The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
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