I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
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"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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