The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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