i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
