The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
