the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
