Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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