A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
