we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
