I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
