His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
