theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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