i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
