He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
