I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
