u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Are we still banned from the library?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
