I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Too much gin, very little bucket
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
