I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
