you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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