I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Houston, we have a squirter
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
