Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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