go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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