she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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