It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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