i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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