apparently the secret to your success is patron
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
