I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
