Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
