Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
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