i love accidental penises.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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