I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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