I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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