I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
